How to Save Your Marriage After Divorce (21 Steps to Take)

You may be going through a separation period or finalizing your divorce when you suddenly realize that you want to give your marriage another try. While it may seem too late, and your ex may be resistant, you may still have wondered “how do I save my marriage after divorce?”. 

Here are a few things to do to reconcile after divorce.

  1. Analyze yourself.
  2. Control your emotions.
  3. Treat this like a brand new relationship.
  4. Communicate clearly.
  5. Spend some time apart.
  6. Learn your spouse’s love language.
  7. Create a plan.
  8. Keep your reconciliation attempt private.
  9. Look into marriage counseling.

But those are just a few of the 21 tips I’m going to cover!

In the rest of this article, I will explain how to reconcile with your partner after divorce and give you some tips on creating and maintaining a healthy marriage. Read on for details.

Now let’s review the . . . 

21 Steps to Save Your Marriage

1. Analyze Yourself

Before you even begin your reconciliation attempts, you need to first analyze why you want to reconcile.

Take a trip down memory lane and view your behavior and thoughts during the marriage. Were you a supportive partner? Did you get angry a lot? In hindsight, was there anything you think you could have done better?

By analyzing yourself, you’ll see what went wrong the first time around. This will allow you to work on those issues to hopefully prevent the same problems from ruining your reconciliation attempt.

2. Control Your Emotions

Divorce is often a messy and mentally challenging process, so your emotions could be running high. You may feel drained, upset, frustrated, and sad; all at the same time.

However, it’s important to be calm and level-headed if you want to make a positive attempt at reconciliation.

If you get angry over an earlier issue, it could bring back those negative feelings, which would only harm your attempts to reconcile with your ex-spouse. Even when discussing issues in your marriage with them, you need to be able to do so in a calm, rational manner, without devolving into a screaming match.

By taking some time to control your emotions before seeking out your partner, you can begin your relationship anew without the negative emotions hindering you.

3. Treat This Like a Brand New Relationship

When getting back together with your ex-spouse, it’s easy to quickly fall back into old routines. However, that’s far from what you need to be doing. To really work on the marriage, you’ll need to treat this like a brand new relationship.

Here are a few pointers to help you freshen things up.

  • Go on Dates

Couples who have been married a long time or have children may find it hard to make time for dates. However, dates are a great way to keep the romance alive and give the couple some time alone with each other.

When trying to reconcile, begin with at least one date every week. Dress up, go to a restaurant or movie, or take a walk together. Do the little things that you both once enjoyed. This will bring back memories of when you were truly happy and remind you why you fell in love with each other in the first place.

  • Compliment Each Other

This may sound like a silly tip, but complimenting and appreciating your partner goes a long way to repairing a marriage. Many couples simply forget to show their appreciation to their partners daily, which could lead to resentment or apathy. You can rebuild that lost affection by regularly complimenting your partner on small things like their clothes or haircut.

  • Give Gifts

You’d be surprised at how far a meaningful gift can go towards repairing a fractured relationship. Show your appreciation now and then by treating your partner to some small gifts. Make sure to go for gifts that you know your partner would appreciate.

However, don’t overdo the gift-giving. You want to show appreciation, and not seem like you’re trying to buy your way back into their heart.

4. Communicate Clearly

Clear communication is the key to a successful marriage. In analyzing the reasons for their failed marriages, many couples realize that a major problem was their lack of communication.

Proper communication can prevent misunderstandings and help you get through difficulties rationally and objectively. This could allow you to address previous situations in your earlier marriage and prevent similar problems in the future.

To effectively reconcile, you and your spouse will need to work on communicating with each other instead of simply assuming the other’s intentions.

5. Don’t smother them with attention

Many couples find that a short separation period helps them create a stronger relationship. When you spend time away from your spouse, you may realize that you miss them.

Live separately for a while. Schedule meetings and dates like you did when you first met each other. This will allow you to gradually build up a solid relationship, as the separation will make you realize that you miss being together.

6. Learn Your Spouse’s Love Language

The concept of love languages was introduced by Gary Chapman, an American author, and radio talk show host. In his 1992 book, The Five Love Languages, he outlines the five main methods through which individuals give and receive love.

The five love languages he outlines are:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch
  • Acts of Service

By analyzing your partner and finding out their love language, you can communicate your affection in a way that they understand.

For example, suppose your partner shows love through physical touch, but you show your love through words of affirmation. In that case, you could adjust your behavior to include physical touch to show appreciation to your partner in their love language.

7. Create a Plan for Reconciliation

To effectively reconcile, you and your partner will need to sit down together and come up with a plan. This plan will include your rules, expectations, and goals for your relationship.

Creating a plan allows you to fully discuss any questions or issues with your partner right at the beginning. This will prevent future problems due to a lack of planning.

8. Keep Your Reconciliation Private

It can be tempting to immediately let all your loved ones know that you’re getting back together with your ex-spouse. However, you’ll want to keep things private for a while.

First, don’t forget that this relationship is between you and your partner. Involving family and friends will most likely lead to increased opinions on your relationship and compatibility. This might negatively affect your new relationship.

Also, if you have children together, it’s best to let them know only when you are serious about getting back together. Until then, do not involve your children in your love life.

9. Look Into Marriage Counseling

Regardless of whether the steps mentioned above are working, it’s always advisable to go to see a marriage counselor or couples therapist. Therapy will allow you and your spouse to work out your marriage issues with a licensed professional in individual and joint sessions.

Studies have shown that married couples (or formerly married in this case) that get counseling show increased satisfaction in their marriage and increased personal and mental development. If you’re having trouble sorting out issues from your previous marriage, you may benefit from marriage counseling.

10. Guys should not try and pressure their former spouse

Guys need to understand that in many ways you are starting over. That’s especially true if the divorce was already finalized.

So don’t put pressure on her to commit, label what you are doing, or be on a specific timeframe.

Your job as the guy is to simply take her on dates, engage in fun activities, have sex, and make her feel safe, heard, and understood.

If you do that consistently without pressuring her, getting butt-hurt over things, or acting too needy, over time, her attraction for you will naturally grow, and the relationship will grow and may eventually go back to marriage.

But let her be in the driver’s seat for the speed, and for labeling things.

11. Take 100% ownership of your role in the decline of the marriage

Taking ownership of actions that led to a breakup can be difficult, but it is an important step in the healing process.

It is important to recognize that both parties likely had a role in the breakup. Acknowledging one’s own part in the situation can help to bring closure and understanding.

It is also important to be honest with oneself about what went wrong. Reflecting on the relationship and identifying any patterns of behavior or communication issues can help to identify areas for improvement in future relationships.

Finally, it is important to forgive oneself for any mistakes made during the relationship.

It is natural to feel guilty or ashamed, but it is important to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that it is possible to learn from them and move forward. Taking ownership of one’s actions can help one move on from a breakup and create healthier relationships in the future.

That being said, don’t keep apologizing for the same thing over and over.

Especially for guys that make us look weak, needy, and kind of pathetic. Say it once. Own it. Mean it, and say it with conviction. Learn the lessons from it too so you don’t repeat the mistake.

But then move on.

12. Talk openly and honestly about the problems that lead to the divorce

Divorce is a difficult and emotional process for all involved. It is important to talk openly and honestly about the problems that lead to the divorce. This can help both parties understand why the marriage ended and how to move forward.

It is important to be respectful when discussing the issues that led to the divorce. Both parties should take responsibility for their part in the breakdown of the marriage, without blaming each other.

It is also important to be honest about any feelings of hurt or anger that may have been caused by either party during the marriage. This can help both parties understand how their actions may have contributed to the divorce, and how they can avoid similar issues in future relationships.

Talking openly and honestly about the problems that lead to a divorce can help both parties move forward with their lives in a healthy way. It can also provide closure for both parties, allowing them to heal from their experience and move on with their lives.

13. Have a plan to fix those problems moving forward

When a marriage is on the brink of divorce or has already happened, it can be difficult to reconcile. However, it is possible to fix the problems that led to the breakdown of the relationship.

The first step is for both partners to take responsibility for their part in the issues. This means being honest and open about what went wrong and how each partner contributed to it. It also means being willing to forgive and move forward.

The next step is for both partners to work together on communication. This includes learning how to listen, express feelings, and resolve conflicts in a healthy way. It also involves setting boundaries and respecting each other’s needs.

Finally, couples should focus on rebuilding trust and intimacy in their relationship. This can be done by spending quality time together, engaging in activities that bring joy, and expressing love and appreciation for one another.

By taking these steps, couples can work towards repairing their marriage and preventing future problems from leading to divorce.

14. Be patient

Rebuilding a marriage can be a difficult and lengthy process. It is important to remain patient throughout the process. Here are some tips to help you stay patient while rebuilding your marriage:

Take time for yourself. Make sure to set aside time each day to do something that brings you joy and helps you relax. This will help keep your stress levels low and give you the energy needed to work on rebuilding your marriage.

Focus on the positive. Instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of your relationship, focus on the positive things that have come out of it. This will help keep your spirits up and remind you why it is worth putting in the effort to rebuild your marriage.

Be kind to yourself and each other. It is important to be kind and understanding with yourself and with your partner during this process. This will help create an atmosphere of trust and respect, which are essential for rebuilding a successful marriage.

Finally, remember that rebuilding a marriage takes time, so don’t expect immediate results. Be patient with yourself and with each other as you work through this process together. With patience, understanding, and kindness, you can rebuild a strong foundation for a lasting relationship.

15. Forgive each other

Forgiveness is an essential part of rebuilding a marriage. It can be difficult to forgive each other after a hurtful event, but it is necessary for the relationship to move forward.

The first step in forgiving each other is to recognize that both parties are responsible for the hurt that has been caused. This means taking ownership of one’s own actions and being willing to apologize for them. It also means being open to hearing the other person’s perspective and understanding their feelings.

The next step is to communicate openly and honestly about what happened and how it made each person feel.

This can be difficult, but it is important in order to move forward in a positive direction. It is also important to be patient with each other during this process, as it may take time for both parties to fully understand and accept what happened.

Finally, it is important to make an effort to rebuild trust between the two of you.

This can be done through small gestures such as spending quality time together or doing something special for one another. By taking these steps, couples can begin the process of forgiveness and rebuilding their marriage.

16. Make yourself happy

It is important to make yourself happy and not look to your spouse for feelings of self-worth.

To do this, start by taking time for yourself. Make sure you are doing things that make you feel good, such as reading a book, going for a walk, or taking a yoga class. Doing activities that bring you joy will help you to feel more fulfilled and content with your life.

Next, focus on building relationships with friends and family.

Having strong relationships with people who care about you can help boost your self-esteem and provide emotional support when needed. Spend time with them regularly and be sure to express your appreciation for their presence in your life.

Finally, practice self-care.

Take care of yourself physically by eating healthy foods, exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep. Also take care of yourself emotionally by setting boundaries in relationships, expressing your feelings honestly, and engaging in activities that bring you peace and joy.

By taking these steps to make yourself happy, you will be able to find fulfillment without relying on your spouse for feelings of self-worth.

17. Avoid being defensive during tough conversations

Having tough conversations with your spouse can be difficult, but it’s important to stay calm and not get defensive. Here are some tips to help you stay level-headed:

First, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your spouse is coming from a place of love. This will help you keep your emotions in check and focus on the conversation at hand.

Second, try to listen more than you talk.

This will help you understand where your spouse is coming from and why they feel the way they do. It also gives them the opportunity to express themselves without feeling like they’re being judged or attacked.

Finally, be honest about how you feel but avoid blaming or attacking your spouse. Instead, focus on how their words or actions have made you feel and explain why it’s important for both of you to work together to find a solution.

By following these tips, you can have tough conversations with your spouse without getting defensive or escalating the situation.

18. Spend time at places and doing activities where you were at your happiest

Spending time doing favorite activities and traveling to favorite places can be a valuable part of the reconciliation process. It can provide an opportunity to reflect on the past, and to think about how to move forward in a positive way. It can also be a chance to reconnect with people and places that have been important in our lives.

Traveling to favorite places can bring back memories of happy times, and remind us of the things that we value most. It can also help us appreciate the beauty of the world around us, and give us a sense of peace and contentment.

Finally, spending time doing our favorite activities can help us relax and enjoy life more fully.

Whether it’s playing sports, going for a walk in nature, or simply taking some time out for ourselves, these activities can help us reconnect with our inner selves and find joy in life again.

19. Avoid unrealistic expectations of each other

When reconciling with a former spouse, it is important to avoid unrealistic expectations.

It is important to remember that the relationship has changed and that the person you are now dealing with may not be the same person you were married to. It is important to be realistic about what can be achieved and what cannot.

It is also important to remember that reconciliation takes time and patience. It is not something that can happen overnight. You must be willing to work through any issues that arise and be open to compromise.

Finally, it is important to remember that reconciliation does not mean everything will go back to how it was before.

You must accept the changes in your relationship and move forward in a positive direction. This means being open-minded and understanding of each other’s needs and feelings. By doing this, you can create a new relationship based on mutual respect and understanding.

20. Don’t put pressure on your ex for physical intimacy

You should not pressure your former spouse for sex when trying to reconcile. It is important to remember that sex is a sensitive topic and should be approached with respect and understanding. This is especially true if you did something to break the trust while you were still married.

Reconciliation is a difficult process and it requires both parties to be willing to work together.

If one partner is pressuring the other for sex, it can create an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. This can lead to feelings of resentment and mistrust, which can make it even more difficult to reconcile.

It is important to take time to discuss the issues that led to the breakup and work on rebuilding trust before attempting any kind of physical intimacy. This will help ensure that both partners are comfortable with the idea of being intimate again and will help create a healthier relationship in the long run.

21. Set and enforce healthy boundaries

It is important to set and enforce healthy boundaries with a former spouse while reconciling.

Boundaries are essential for any relationship, but especially so when two people are trying to rebuild trust and respect. Setting boundaries helps to create a safe space for both parties to express their feelings and needs without fear of judgment or criticism.

Enforcing these boundaries is also important.

If one person does not respect the other’s boundaries, it can lead to resentment and further damage the relationship. It is important to be clear about what is acceptable behavior and what is not, and then follow through with consequences if those boundaries are crossed.

Finally, it is important to remember that boundaries can change over time as the relationship evolves.

As trust grows, so too may the willingness of both parties to open up more and take risks in the relationship. It is important to be flexible and willing to adjust boundaries as needed in order for the relationship to continue growing in a healthy way.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long should you keep trying to win your spouse back after a divorce?

As a general rule, after a divorce, when 1 former spouse wants to reconcile, there’s not a hard and fast time frame for how long that will take. But if you are seeing progress, keep going and be patient!

If, however, your former spouse expresses no interest whatsoever in reconciling, and you’ve made your intentions clear, 6 months would be about the maximum you’d want to wait to see if they change their mind.

Also remember too that if it was the wife who initiated the divorce (it is about 75% of the time), their former husband begging and pleading and looking pathetic is NOT going to attract her back.

The decision of how long to keep trying to win your spouse back after a divorce is a difficult one.

It is important to consider the reasons for the divorce and the feelings of both parties involved. If there are unresolved issues that led to the divorce, it may be worth attempting to reconcile. However, if the relationship has become toxic or abusive, it may be best to move on.

It is also important to consider how much effort you are willing to put into trying to win your spouse back.

If you are willing to make changes and work on communication and trust, then it may be worth continuing your efforts. However, if you feel like you have done all that you can and your spouse is still unwilling to reconcile, then it may be time to accept that the relationship is over and move on with your life.

Finally, it is important to remember that reconciliation is not always possible.

Even if both parties are willing to work on their relationship, there may still be too much damage done for reconciliation to occur. In this case, it is best for both parties involved to accept that the marriage has ended and focus on healing from the experience.

What percentage of divorced couples get back together?

The exact percentage of divorced couples who get back together is difficult to determine. However, research suggests that the number is relatively low. A study conducted by the American Psychological Association found that only about 10% of divorced couples remarry each other.

This number may be even lower when considering couples who do not remarry but still reunite in some capacity. A survey conducted by the National Opinion Research Center found that only 6% of divorced couples got back together after their divorce was finalized.

It is important to note that these numbers may vary depending on the length of time since the divorce and other factors such as age, gender, and financial stability.

For example, a study conducted by the University of Michigan found that among couples who had been divorced for less than five years, nearly 20% had reunited with their former spouse.

Overall, it appears that the majority of divorced couples do not get back together after their divorce is finalized. However, there are some cases where a reunion is possible and can be successful if both parties are willing to work on their relationship and make necessary changes.

Are couples happier after divorce?

Divorce can be a difficult and emotionally draining experience for couples.

However, research has shown that couples are often happier after divorce. This is because divorce can provide an opportunity for both partners to pursue their own interests and goals, free from the constraints of a marriage.

For some couples, divorce can be a relief from the stress of an unhappy marriage. It can provide an opportunity to move on with their lives and find new sources of happiness. Divorce also allows couples to focus on themselves and their own needs, rather than trying to meet the needs of their partner.

In addition, research has found that divorced couples often report feeling more satisfied with their lives than they did before the divorce. This is because they are no longer in a situation where they feel obligated to stay together out of fear or guilt.

They are free to pursue relationships that make them happy and fulfill their individual needs.

Finally, research has also found that divorced couples often report feeling more connected with friends and family members than they did before the divorce. This is because they have more time to devote to these relationships now that they are no longer married.

They may also find comfort in talking about their experiences with people who understand what they have gone through.

Overall, it appears that many couples are happier after divorce than before it occurred. Divorce provides an opportunity for both partners to pursue their own interests and goals without feeling obligated to stay together out of fear or guilt.

It also allows them to focus on themselves and build stronger connections with friends and family members.

Get Your Wife Back After Separation (quickly)


It may take time, hard work, and commitment, but it is definitely possible to save your marriage even after a divorce.  Divorced couples often find themselves rekindling their relationship after some time apart.

Professional help in the form of a therapist can definitely help too. Also understand that whatever marital problems were there before the divorce will still be there, so it’s important to acknowledge them and have a plan to work through them.

To save your marriage, here are a few things to consider.

  • First, analyze yourself and work on your individual needs before you attempt reconciliation.
  • Communicate clearly and always discuss important decisions.
  • Treat this reconciliation as a new relationship by rebuilding your romance.
  • Look into marriage counseling to sort through more troublesome issues and build a stronger, healthier relationship.

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