Why is Your Ex Still Single? (Do they want you back?)

Written by Jeff Campbell in Reconciliation Last Updated December 29, 2023

Going through a breakup or divorce is a painful and confusing experience. Often the ex who dumped you goes right into a new relationship. But what does it mean if your ex would rather be alone than with you?

As a general rule, an ex might stay single if the relationship was very painful and they need time to heal. But they may also regret the breakup and not know how to say it. Lastly, they may be scarred from the relationship and be scared of getting into a new one too quickly.

To get a clearer view of this seemingly confusing situation, you will have to probe into a few aspects that I will explain here in this article.

After reading this, you will hopefully get a better understanding of your love life.

What are the signs that your ex is not over you?

As I’ve mentioned earlier, staying single after a breakup is not a sure sign that your ex is not over you.

A person can choose not to get into romantic relationships for many reasons, and the reasons may vary from person to person. Your ex staying single might not be about you. It could simply be that they have other priorities in life.

There can be other scenarios like the breakup left them so bruised that they are not ready to date anyone. Although rare, some people can be so sensitive that a breakup can result in lifelong incapacity to bond again.

However, if your ex staying single is, in fact, about you, you will have to pay attention to a few telltale signs to know that they are not over you. They – 

  • Are still in touch with your social profiles and have not blocked or unfollowed you.
  • Ask about you when chatting with common friends. 
  • Show emotions for you in front of mutual friends (Maybe hoping the friend would tell you).
  • Still text or call you on special occasions.
  • Repeatedly ask for your help.
  • Have not taken back their stuff from you.
  • Have not returned your things.
  • Acting uncharacteristically happy and upbeat on their social profiles.
  • Acting very depressed and sad on social media.
  • Talk all about you and what’s going on with you if you meet somewhere.
  • Are seen frequently visiting the places you used to visit together.
  • Are trying out a new hobby to try to forget about you.

If you notice any one or more of these signs, it’s good news. It is quite possible that your ex is not over you. There’s a chance that you might rekindle the old flame if you want. Whether that would be the right thing for you or not, that’s up to you to decide.

How do you know when your ex is truly done with you?

Another question, which is basically the other side of the same coin, that might be bothering you is- “how do you know when your ex is truly over and done with you?”

Frankly speaking, that’s a bit easier to sense than knowing whether they still have feelings for you or not. The red flags of your ex being truly done with you would be more apparent.

Here are the major signs your ex has completely moved on. They – 

  • Have not unblocked or re-followed you on social media, even after months. They simply did not bother going through the profile settings for you.
  • Are having a happy, healthy relationship with their current partner for months.
  • Do not reply to your texts. Or, simply reply late using compulsory short sentences.
  • Do not receive your phone calls and do not care to call back. 
  • Show no signs of emotion if you bump into each other. It is as if you are meeting a regular acquaintance or worse. 
  • Do not ask much about what is going on with you lately when you meet or talk.
  • Have returned all your stuff and taken back all of theirs.
  • Have a stable social media presence with no noticeable emotional ups and downs. 
  • Try to set you up with someone else if you are still on talking terms.
  • They seem happy seeing you with other romantic partners.
  • You do not hear from them or from any of their friends for months.

Practically speaking, any of these signs means your ex is truly done with you, and it’s time for you to move on as well.

Paulo Coelho, international best-selling author, said: 

“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.”

Consider the breakup and heartbreak as such a storm.

Most importantly, do not delay taking professional help if you feel like it. An expert relationship coach can help us in numerous unexpected ways.

If your relationship has failed, then check out this quick video on the 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage that will help get yours back on track.

How do I know if my ex is suffering?

Remembering or having occasional feelings for your ex is natural. It is also natural to wonder about what your ex is going through and compare their love life with your post-break-up situation. You are not alone. We are all occasionally guilty of it.

So, if you ponder whether your ex is having tough times due to your absence in their life, don’t assume you are still in love with them.

However, if you want to indulge and satisfy your curiosity and find out if your ex is suffering without you, the way to do so is simple:

Monitor their social media accounts. Their social media activities can offer evidence of their current life situation.

Are they less or more active than they used to be? Are they repeatedly posting sad stuff? Are they not posting photos much with their friends and family?

On the other hand, if you still happen to see your ex somewhat regularly due to close proximity, the same friend circle in high school, or some other reasons, try to notice if they have undergone any physical or habitual changes.

Are they not hanging around with friends as much as they used to? Are they not dressing well lately?

Look for anything that might indicate the true state of their mental health. Now, if you find signs of suffering through their social posts, you might feel the urge to probe deeper into the matter.

If you decide to further indulge your curious mind, talking to a common friend you can trust not to snitch on you is your ticket.

Ask them whether they know anything about what’s going on in your ex’s life. You can even request them to call your ex for a casual chat which can further shine a light on the situation for you.

The steps above are likely to offer you all the insights needed to assess whether your ex is going through suffering or not.

Is my ex staying single because I’m single?

It’s quite possible that your ex is still single and wondering about the possibility of getting back together a second time.

Research shows that 40 to 50 percent of couples get back together after a breakup.

However, is that the case with your ex? Is your ex really staying single because of you? Or is there any other good reason?

Let’s look at the reasons why people stay single after a breakup.

Emotional Healing: A breakup can leave people emotionally broken and bruised. It can take years for some people to heal, especially if it was the first love. The thoughts of a new relationship often make them anxious and scared.

Freedom: Often, people break up, realizing that they were feeling a lack of freedom. And, once they get back their freedom after a breakup, they simply do not risk leaving it again.

Becoming Picky: After a horrible breakup, a lot of people often find it difficult to find a new partner. The previous relationship has already shown the troubles of being with a partner, and they do not want to repeat the same situation next time. So, they become very picky.

Soul-Searching: After breakups, many people have been seen going on a mission of soul-searching or finding themselves. They tend to pass some alone time to get the totality of their identity and self together.

Loving Being Single: It’s also another common reason for people staying single after breakups. They have realized the beauty of being alone and being fully available for their own needs. Factor in the perks of fooling around! Wink!

Now evaluate and think about your ex. Think about how your relationship was with them when you were together. How much hard time did you have?

Does any of the reasons for staying single seem to match their personality? If so, then it could be that they are not single because you are single.

On the other hand, if nothing seems to ring a bell, go back to the section above where I talk about the signs that your ex is not over you.

Should I contact my ex who dumped me?

Most relationship experts suggest that you should not contact your ex who dumped you.

You should put all of your strength into moving on strongly toward your new life. It would be best for you to focus on your personal development, leaving the past behind.

If they have dumped you, they surely had their reasons sorted out. They are responsible adults, and you should respect their decision to stay away.

However, when it comes to the matter of the heart, nothing is written in stone. There are a few situations when you can contact your ex who dumped you.

Necessary Info: If you have some essential info that would save them from danger or help them out with anything, go ahead and contact them. On the other hand, you can also contact them if you need to know something they might have an answer to. But make sure that things stay totally unrelated to your romantic relationship.

A Possibility of Getting Back Together: If you think you still have a chance to woo her back without appearing needy or desperate, and you truly want that to happen, you might initiate the contact. But be completely sure that you truly want them back in your life. Otherwise, it can be the same emotional whirlwind all over again a few weeks or months later.

You Need Closure: If the conditions of the breakup were such that you didn’t get sufficient closure out of the relationship, and you think saying some last words could do the trick. Go for it!

Emergency: If you are in any kind of trouble and they are the only person in the world who can help, you can contact them.

Long Time Has Passed: You can contact your ex who dumped you after a significant amount of time has passed, and you are sure both of you have moved on. It could be to touch base as long-lost good friends.

In any case, contact your ex only if you truly want to. Otherwise, it’s still a good idea to avoid unnecessary contact.

Another solid reason behind not contacting your ex who dumped you is that if they made a mistake by dumping you, they should be given a chance to realize it themselves.

If you interfere with their realization period by initiating the contact from your end, it can further harm your chances of getting back.

So, wait for them to realize and contact you.

However, in rare cases, some dumpers might feel too ashamed or afraid to contact the first time. If you think your dumper is someone like that, you can initiate contact on some suitable occasions, like their birthday, or for an innocent greeting on important occasions like Christmas. This will give just the slight nudge they need to start contacting you.

But even after that, if they do not come forward, then the chances are they have moved on, and it’s time for you to start seeing new people.

How long should you wait for an ex to come back?

Practically speaking, people can get back together after a breakup, even after a year.

The most common time range for getting back is from one to six months. After six months, the chances of getting back start to decrease significantly.

However, every romantic relationship is different, and each person deals with a breakup differently.

So, how much time you should wait for your ex to come back would depend upon:

  • Your current situation. 
  • The nature of the breakup. 
  • How was your relationship with your ex?

As a rule of thumb, the best thing to do is to wait for a few weeks before making any decision.

This would give you and your ex the necessary time to think things over.

You two will get enough time away from each other to truly realize your current feelings for each other.

This will also help to clear your mind and to truly think about what you want in your life and romantic partner.

You would be able to get clearer answers to pivotal aspects of your relationship, such as

  • What was wrong with your relationship that led to the breakup?
  • Are you just addicted to them, or do you truly have feelings for them? 
  • Do they actually love you, or were they simply in an accidental relationship that led to addiction?
  • Was the relationship too toxic to restart again?
  • Are you better off not getting back together again? 
  • Is there a possibility of fixing all the wrongs and conflicts?

You should at least wait until you get a clearer understanding of these questions above and have surer answers.

Once you realize these factors, you will be in a much better position to decide whether to stop waiting and move on or try getting them back again.

What makes a dumper change their mind?

Again, much depends on the nature of your relationship and the state of the actual breakup.

Here are three important questions to keep in mind:

  1. How deep were you into each other? 
  2. How much hurt or betrayed did they feel over the course of your relationship?
  3. Was the breakup over a very serious issue or over trivial stuff?

Depending on the above factors, there are multiple good things that can make the dumper change their mind. The most prominent reasons are:

  • They broke up with you over a trivial matter and later realized the mistake. Such as, it could be that your habit of snoring made them mad, and decided to break up, only to realize later that it was silly to break up over such trivial reasons and their love for you is much bigger.
  • After some time apart, they realize the true nature of their love for you and decide to come back.
  • They might change their mind if they broke up for something you did, and you could convince them you are no longer doing that. Such as if your alcohol addiction drove them apart and you prove to them over the months that you have managed your addiction.
  • On some occasions, if you show true resolve after being dumped and go full no contact, they would naturally feel curious as to what happened and try to get a look at your new life. At this stage, if you can show them the best version of yourself and your life, they might start to regret breaking up and change their mind.

That’s exactly why it’s the best way to go no contact with your ex who dumped you and wait for a considerable amount of time.

Above all, it’s always best to think things through really well after a breakup to avoid more intense future suffering.

Should I go no contact with my ex to get back together?

Going no contact is one of the effective ways of trying to get your ex back with you again.

The no-contact strategy is very beneficial for many other reasons as well.

As I mentioned earlier, after a breakup, the first thing to do is stay away from each other for some time. No matter who initiated the breakup and how intensely you want to get back together.

There must be some issues or something not working in your relationship that resulted in the breakup. You have to give time to properly get a clear view of the exact nature of the breakup and your relationship.

You need the time to clear your mind and truly measure the feelings you have for each other. You need time to know what went wrong and if there’s any way to fix it.

So, going no contact is one of the most effective strategies to deal with any type of breakup. It’s also one of the best strategies to get your ex back, especially if they are the one who dumped you in the first place.

When you maintain strict no contact, your ex will naturally start to feel curious about your situation. No contact from you would drive them mad in a weird way. They would give anything to know what’s going on with you.

They would keep wondering whether you are seeing others or not. How are you coping with the breakup? Have you moved on so easily?

All these questions would force them to initiate contact with you. And meanwhile, all the away time would already have enabled you to get the clearest picture of what you want from the relationship.

So finally, when they contact you, you can be in control to decide what to do and make the right decision.

What are the signs no contact is working?

As I have repeatedly said, the benefits of no contact are manifold.

Firstly, you get a chance to see a clear picture of the romantic dynamics within you and between you and your ex. Secondly, you get enough time to work on yourself and heal from the breakup.

Thirdly, you give your ex enough time to clear up their mind and feel the true worth of your presence in their life.

But how would you know that the no-contact strategy has started to work?

Here are the most promising signs that the no-contact rule is working for you: 

  • The initial agony of the breakup has started to subside, and you are a calmer and more peaceful person now.
  • You have started to figure out what your mistakes were when you were in the relationship.
  • You have got a clear perception of how intense your love actually was for your ex and how much of it was only habitual addiction. 

Now, you might be wondering what are the signs that the no contact is working on your ex.

You will know when your ex – 

  • Calls you or reaches out to you, unable to hold on to the curiosity or anxiety any longer. It could even be a meaningless text message or angry blabber.
  • Starts to interact with you on social media. It could even be via comments and likes.
  • Starts calling your best friends and casually strikes up a conversation about you.
  • Starts to show up in places where you usually hang around. 
  • Starts posting sad and romantic feelings, such as quotes or memes related to love, breakups, misery, regrets, guilt, etc.

So, in this manner, the no-contact strategy has its way of working out wonders in mysterious ways. You just have to hold on for a bit longer.

What is the no contact rule success rate?

Although there is no established research on the success rate of the no contact rule, many experts suggest the success rate broadly ranges from 70% to 90% in at least getting a contact back from your ex.

That means if you follow a diligent no contact rule, there’s at least a 70% chance that your ex will contact you very soon.

How soon?

That’s yet another topic of research. However, it’s also established among relationship experts that the contact is most likely to happen within two to four weeks.

But please note that this does not mean there’s over 70% chance you will get back together. It just means they will contact you.

Getting back together is quite a different story that depends on many other factors. Some of the major factors are: 

  • How deeply in love your ex actually was with you?
  • How much hurt, pain, or betrayal they felt before and after the breakup?
  • Was it actually a mistake on their part to break up with you? 
  • Have they been able to realize their mistake? 
  • Are both of you willing and ready enough to realize what was wrong with your relationship?
  • Are both of you ready to work on the things that need fixing with yourselves? 

So, depending on the above questions and their corresponding answers for your relationship, you can get an idea of how likely you are to get back together after your ex contacts you due to no contact.

If your relationship has failed, then check out this quick video on the 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage that will help get yours back on track.

Why Your Ex Stays Single After Your Breakup (the real reason)

Conclusion

There can be numerous reasons for your ex to remain single after the breakup. If they remain single for a considerable amount of time, it could also mean that there’s a chance to get back together.

However, people and relationships are diverse in nature. So, there are numerous other scenarios that can also play out.

It could be that your ex simply realized the beauty of staying alone and started to enjoy the freedom of a single life. It’s not a bad thing.

To know exactly why they are single, you will have to follow their lifestyle and social media presence. Usually, these are the places that show us the signs.

Also, above all, you must keep in mind that whatever the case might be, you have to be respectful of their decision. If it means you have to move on, you should start focusing on your own personal growth right away instead of reminiscing about the good times of the past relationship.

Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay

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